Four hundred thirty-eight never married undergraduates at a large
southeastern university completed a 25 item questionnaire designed to
assess their experience with long distance dating relationships in
regard to their belief in the adage "out of sight, out of
mind." Over 40 percent of those experienced in long distance dating
relationships believed this to be true. The respondents also reported
that the separation either ended (21.5%) their relationship or made it
worse (20%). Implications for university students, faculty, and
counselors are suggested.
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Kenny Rogers (country western singer) was asked in an interview,
"Does absence make the heart grow fonder?" He replied,
"No." He attributed his two divorces to being separated from
his wives while on tour. Prior to marrying his third wife, Rogers
stated, "We have agreed that she would always travel with me."
Being separated from one's love partner is not unique to
country western singers. Due to the demands of one's career,
education, and elderly parents, it is the unusual couple that is never
separated. This study examined this increasingly common phenomenon among
a sample of undergraduate college students. Research on long distance
dating relationships (hereafter referred to as LDDR) grew out of spouses
separated due to career commitments (Gerstel and Gross, 1984; Taylor and
Lounsbury, 1988).
Sample and Methods
The sample consisted of 438 undergraduates at a large southeastern
university. The ages of the students ranged from 17 to 48 with a median
age of 19. Respondents completed an anonymous survey about attitudes
toward and previous experience with long distance dating relationships.
The operational definition of such a relationship was being separated
from a love partner by at least 200 miles for a period of not less than
three months. The median number of miles these LDDR respondents had been
separated was the category reflecting 300-399 miles (about a six hour
drive) and the median length of time the respondents had been separated
was 5 months. Of the total sample, almost 20 percent (19.9%) were
currently involved in a LDDR (long distance dating relationship) and
almost 37 percent (36.5%) reported having ever been in a LDDR
relationship that ended.
Actually arranging to see each other during the period of
separation was limited. Only 11 percent (actually 10.8%) reported seeing
each other weekly with almost 16 percent (15.7%) reporting that they
never saw each other. However, in spite of the separation, the lovers
continued to stay in touch with each other on a regular basis. Over half
talked on the phone (56.5%) and/or e-mailed (53%) the partner several
times each week. Almost a fourth (22%) talked on the phone at least once
a day and one in ten (8.8%) talked with each other several times a day.
The separation was damaging to most relationships. One in five
(21.5%) broke up and another one in five (20.0%) said that the
separation made their relationship worse. Only 18 percent reported that
the separation improved their relationship (other responses included 33%
"mixed effect", 9% "no effect").
Findings & Discussion
Analysis of the data revealed several findings:
1. No significant sex, race, or age differences. There were no
significant differences between women and men or between whites and
non-whites in terms of the likelihood of having experience in a LDDR.
While older students were slightly more likely to have had such an
experience, the difference was not significant.
2. Out of sight, out of mind. Persons who reported ever having been
involved in a LDDR were 8.1% more likely to believe "out of sight,
out of mind" than those who had not experienced a long distance
dating relationship (42.1% versus 34%). Hence, the reality of having
been separated from one's partner in a LDDR is associated with
greater acceptance of the belief "out of sight, out of mind."
Perhaps many of the relationships of those who reported ever having been
in a LDDR ended by breaking up which supports their belief "out of
sight, out of mind."
Previous researchers have identified the factors associated with
maintaining a LDDR. Lyndon et al. (1997) studied university students in
such relationships and found that moral commitment was associated with
relationship maintenance at a distance. Schwebel et al. (1992)
identified satisfaction with the relationship as the primary variable
associated with LDDR maintenance- the higher the satisfaction, the more
likely the relationship would continue in spite of the separation. Such
satisfaction in LDDR is not easy to maintain. Wendel (1975) studied such
relationships and noted that students reported the "haunting
feeling of separateness and distance" but that this was sometimes
offset by "a new sense of trust in the strength of the
relationship" (p. 45).
3. Never again. Previous experience in a LDDR that ended influenced
one's willingness to become involved in a subsequent LDDR. LDDR
persons who had terminated the relationship with their partners reported
that they would not have become involved in the relationship if they
were to make the decision to be in a LDDR again. In contrast, those in
LDDR who were still with their partner felt that they would be willing
to be involved in such a relationship if they were to make the decision
again. This finding was statistically significant (p<.000). Hence,
whether or not a person would become involved in a subsequent LDDR was
related to whether or not the partners broke up. Indeed, those who broke
up were not interested in a subsequent LDDR.
Implications
The findings of this study have several implications for university
students, faculty, and counselors. Students might be aware that
involvement in a LDDR is not easy (one in five of the relationships
ended and another 20% reported that their relationship became worse) and
that their worst fears may be true- "out of sight, out of
mind."
Faculty who teach relationship courses might engage their students
in a lively debate on LDDR and assess their belief in the "out of
sight, out of mind"/"absence makes the heart grow fonder"
dichotomy. Of particular interest would be if students in the class who
have lived together have different beliefs from those not experienced in
LDDR.
University counselors might alert their clients who report or
expect such involvement in a LDDR to focus on the positive side of such
separation, namely, to view the separation as an opportunity to explore
their commitment to each other to garner new strength of the
relationship from the separation.
References
Gerstel, N. and H. Gross (1984) Commuter Marriage: A Study of Work
and Family. New York: The Guilford Press
Lyndon, J., T. Pierce, and S. O'Regan. (1997) Coping with
moral commitment to long-distance relationships. Journal of Personality
and Social Psychology 73:104-113
Schwebel, A. I., R. L. Dunn, B. F. Moss, and M. A. Renner. (1992)
Factors associated with relationship stability in geographically
separated couples. Journal of College Student Development 33:222-230
Tavlor, A. S. and John W. Lounsbury. (1988) Dual-career couples and
geographic transfer: Executives' reactions to commuter marriage and
attitude toward the move. Human Relations 47:407-424
Wendel, W. C. (1975) High school sweethearts: A study in separation
and commitment. Journal of Clinical Child Psychology Spring, 45-48
DAVID KNOX
East Carolina University
MARTY E. ZUSMAN
Indiana University Northwest
VIVIAN DANIELS
East Carolina University
ANGEL BRANTLEY
East Carolina University